


track marks

by ZinniaRae



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Fluffy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Light Angst, M/M, Past Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:44:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZinniaRae/pseuds/ZinniaRae
Summary: Sometimes Roy can't escape the past. Sometimes he just needs a reminder of the future.





	track marks

Sometimes Roy would wake up in the middle of the night, hair stuck to his face from sweat. He felt breathless, felt trapped, felt  _ itchy _ . It felt like a thousand bugs were crawling over his skin. No, just his arms. Just over the crease of his elbow, slowly making their way down his wrist. His dreams were never vivid, never full of detail. One thing stayed the same; the drugs. He’d sit up in bed, look over and see Jason asleep next to him.  _ Everything _ in him always told him to wake Jason up, talk to him about his dream. But Jason was haunted by nightmares too. Ones far worse than Roy’s. After all, Roy had put himself into his own personal hell. Jason had never asked for it.

He’d get out of bed, quiet as possible. Jason was a light sleeper -- if Roy really thought about it, he was pretty sure he knew when he got out of bed anyway. If he did, he never brought it up. So Roy would tiptoe to the bathroom, turn the knob as he closed the door so it didn’t make a sound. Once the door was closed, the light would come on and he’d stare at himself in the mirror. His skin was pale, eyes full of terror and regret, red hair was stuck to his forehead, to the side of his face. He’d look down at his arms. He knew the bugs weren’t there, but he had to make sure.

Instead of bugs, he found the faded pink circular scars. No longer distinctive like they used to be, no longer were there fresh scabs that he wanted to pick at. But they were there -- Roy  _ knew _ they were there. He’d trace a finger over them, take a few deep breaths. It didn’t help. He’d sit on the side of the porcelain tub, elbows on his knees as he smacked his palm against his forehead.

He had a good life.   
He had Lian.    
He had Jason.   
He was doing  _ good _ .

Knowing that, deep in his heart, didn’t make things better. It didn’t make the cravings stop. It didn’t make that voice in the back of his head stop calling him names. Loser, junkie,  _ trash _ . It didn’t stop the cruel voice from telling him he was bad for Jason, bad for Lian. He could never be good, no matter how damn hard he tried. 

And then, when he felt like he could breathe, felt like the bugs were leaving his skin...he’d splash cold water on his face, take a deep breath and turn the light off before tiptoeing back to bed. He’d crawl underneath the covers, find Jason next to him in the dark and hide his face between his shoulder blades. Breathe him in, realize he was there, things were okay.

*******

 

The moments didn’t only come at night. They came during the day too, during the most mundane of times. Like now. He was sitting on the couch, watching as Jason sat on the floor, playing dolls with Lian. It was a happy moment, a  _ family _ moment. But the bugs came back, started crawling up his arms. He shifted in his seat, fingers wrapping around his forearm. 

His change of behavior was noticed. “Daddy?” Lian spoke up, eyes that reminded him  _ so _ much of Jade looking up at him. “You okay, daddy?” She dropped the Barbie, glanced over at Jason, looking for answers. He seemed just as out of the loop as she was.

“Roy, you with us?”

Clearing his throat, Roy nodded his head. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I just...I zoned out for a sec there.” Jason didn’t seem to buy his answer, but Lian seemed content with it.

“Silly daddy!” She giggled, picking her Barbie back up. “You want to play with JayJay and me?” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he took note that Jason was studying him, trying to read him. He was too damned good at that, did it way too often. It was the Bat in him, all of them were too damned good at reading people. It made hiding things harder than it needed to be. “I’m just going to watch the two of you, alright munchkin? Daddy’ll play with you later though, promise.”

“Okay!” Lian giggled, her attention going back to Jason. “JayJay,” Her tone immediately switched to something  _ annoyed _ . “Let’s  _ play _ . Don’t zone out like daddy.” It wasn’t a request, it was an order from their adorable little dictator. All Jade’s attitude when she needed it.

Jason took his eyes off Roy, reluctantly, before picking back up the Barbie that Lian had ordered him to play with. “Alright, let’s play.” He mumbled, taking one last quick glance at Roy, who offered a smile in response, a small attempt to smooth things over.

*******

 

The day dwindled down. Lian was  _ finally _ in bed and Roy walked into their bedroom, closing the door behind him so he could change for the night. Jason was sitting on the bed, nose in a worn paperback. He didn’t say anything and Roy didn’t break the silence. He always liked perfect silence when he was reading, something that Roy had struggled to learn. His long-sleeved shirt was tossed into the hamper, his jeans following. He snatched a pair of pajama pants, tugging them on, before crawling into bed next to Jason.

Roy turned on his side, tugged the blanket over him. He knew when Jason was good and ready to go to sleep, his arm would slip around his waist, tug him closer. “Are you going to talk about it?” Jason asked, breaking the silence between them.

Rolling over, Roy raised an eyebrow. “Talk about what?” Sighing, Jason lowered his book and glanced over at Roy. Those blue-grey eyes seemed to be boring into his very soul, pulling up the pieces of him that Roy was keeping hidden. He didn’t even have to say anything, that single glance was  _ enough _ . With a huff, he rolled over to look at him. “I’ve just been...struggling lately.” He admitted. He didn’t have to look at Jason, he knew he was expecting  _ more _ . The truth, a better answer. “I keep dreaming about,” 

Roy swallowed, struggling to form the words because admitting it out loud seemed  _ worse _ , made it real, made him realize he was a goddamn failure. He focused on the pillow case, tracing over the stitching of the fabric instead of speaking.

“Of using again?” Jason finished for him. He didn’t sound angry, didn’t sound like he thought of Roy as a failure, like he was trash and worthless. Didn’t even sound disappointed...and maybe that should have made Roy feel better. It  _ did _ but Jason not reiterating the things that evil little voice in the back of his head said didn’t stop the voice from talking. Instead of responding, Roy just nodded. Running a hand through his dark hair, Jason seemed to be searching for the right words to say. “I mean, it happens, Roy. You were  _ addicted _ . That doesn’t go away, it doesn’t ever go away.”

“I  _ know _ that. But it shouldn’t be a huge deal! It shouldn’t...shouldn’t keep coming back to me! I’m happy, okay? I have you and I have Lian and this is the life I  _ want _ . So why in the fuck do I get the urge to throw it all away?”

“You don’t do it.” Jason said quietly.

“Of course not, I don’t want to. I just...I crave it. I crave it  _ all _ .” Roy said, fingers running over the scars on his arm, the ones he had memorized at this point, could tell you the shape and the size and the exact location without looking. “And...and one day Lian’s going to ask me about my scars because they’re not like the others. They’re obviously not from a knife or a bullet. They’re just...what am I going to tell her?”

“The truth.” Jason answered as if it was  _ easy _ , as if telling his daughter that he was a junkie was the same as any old conversation. “You tell Lian that you made bad choices when you were younger and you’re haunted by them everyday. You tell her that it’s an everyday struggle  _ not _ to go back to your bad habits, but you’re strong enough not to. You tell her that she’s the reason you straightened your ass out and you don’t regret a minute of it.” Reaching over, Jason wiped away a tear that Roy didn’t even notice slipping down his cheek, even giving him one of those smiles that made Roy’s heart melt. 

“And you.” Roy said quietly, nuzzling into the warmth of Jason’s hand. “You keep me sober too.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jason chuckled. “But just...talk to me about this shit, Roy. Alright? I know it’s not easy or anything but I’m  _ here _ . You can talk to me...even if it’s hard.”

“Do we have to talk?” Roy asked, watching as Jason cocked an eyebrow in response. “I mean...will you read to me?” It sounded  _ stupid _ , but there was something lulling about the sound of Jason’s voice as he read out loud, something that relaxed every nerve in Roy’s body, let his mind slip away.

“Yeah, get over here.” Jason smiled, gesturing for Roy to lay on his chest. Roy moved over quickly, tucking himself into Jason’s side as he started to read from where he left off. 

Maybe the cravings wouldn’t go away. Maybe the nightmares wouldn’t stop. Maybe he was cursed to deal with this for the rest of his years, but as long as Roy had Jason and Lian...he could deal with it all. They were worth being strong for. 


End file.
